Erotic Poetry

So I took this writing class last fall and it was, quite possibly, the most interesting writing class I've ever taken. Granted, I only got a C - she graded a little rough - but the types of assignments we had were pretty crazy. Alot of it was considered, I believe she called it, "creative non-fiction" but we worked with several different styles of writing including love letters and erotic poetry.

No kidding.

I was at a loss with this assignment...I mean, how the Hell do I write erotica if I've never really experienced anything remotely erotic? Well, when worse came to worse, I went with what always works...

Comedy. Well, sorta. I didn't write up something that was flat-out hilarious or anything, but my approach was definitely humorous. And, in all honesty, it's probably the best (or second best) thing I wrote in that class...I really like it. I'll probably post the other piece at some other time, but for now, enjoy my attempts at erotic poetry:

This is real love.

Mother’s basement – always too hot. Always too cold. The smell of frozen pizza cooking, tiptoeing down the stairs.

“You hungry?”
“A little.”

This is real love.

Rolling on carpet – play-fighting, wrestling – all with the electric hum-and-bubble of a fish tank in the background.

Not everything is Barry White and roses red.

It’s a scene so silly, you can’t help but giggle. There’s always humor in fixing your hair and pointing out rug burn – because, you know–

“No, I don’t know.”

The look your mother gives you both – because, you know – but you insist–

“No, I don’t know.”

This is real love.

The hunger for food overcome by the hunger of love–

–and you wind up with a face full of melted cheese and hot pizza sauce.

And so began the Great Pizza War of 2003.

10 minutes, 8 slices, and a big mess later–

–we were feeling a little cheesy–
–and a little saucy.

This is real love – even if you don’t know it.

Temptation – and you give in. You suck the sauce from her bottom lip. And she kisses back in approval. You lean her against the counter, kisses intense. Your hand glides up her shirt, hers down your back. Your pelvis slowly rocks against hers. She quietly moans into your mouth.

And you’re starting to believe it–

This is real love.

You stumble down the stairs as one, barely into your bedroom when the clothes come off. You awkwardly explore one another’s body with hands, lips, and tongues. Moans of pleasure are interrupted only by your corny jokes; her quiet giggles–

–tension breakers.

“You still hungry?”
“A little.”

And you offer her the spot of sauce on your shoulder blade.

She smiles your sigh of relief. Goofiness doesn’t usually seal the deal, but fate must be on your side. She pulls you into another long kiss and you resume your wrestling match, rolling around your bed–

–but instead of headlocks and pin falls, you’re in search of erogenous zones and ecstasy.

You’re both sticky – sauce and sweat and saliva and sex – but you’ve never felt so alive, so you keep going.

This is real love–

–and you both know it.

She hesitates, but nods, and you enter. And this is a completely different experience than your friendly exploring.

“Does it hurt?”
“A little.”

But her eyes tell you to continue. Slowly. So you start slowly, but increase your tempo until thrusts and bucks seem to shake the whole world–

–and then the world goes silent. Deep breathing. The brush of lips against necks. Fingers trickling across breasts and backs. And you whisper in her ear–

–a story about your orange stuffed monkey, Arnold.

She giggles. And you both realize the truth–

This is real love.

The storyline that'll save SmackDown...

You Must Admit, The WWE Is Legit...OJ Simpson: The Retake

Royal Rumble 2004

After being re-signed to the company, Rico makes a strong showing in the Rumble, eliminating former partner Charlie Haas. However, Haas ultimately costs Rico the match, causing his elimination.

Later that evening, Haas is seen conversing with Orlando Jordan of "The Cabinet"...about what, we don't know.

SmackDown #1

The following week on SmackDown, Rico is seen rekindling his friendship with Miss Jackie and Haas goes psychoboy, dragging Miss Jackie out of there. Later on, during Charlie's match, he tells Miss Jackie to stay put in their lockerroom...during the match, we cut backstage to find Rico entering the lockerroom.

Post-match, Haas returns to his lockerroom to find both Miss Jackie and Rico murdered in cold blood. He is extremely upset and disturbed and calls the authorities: John "Bradshaw" Layfield arrives on the scene and begins searching for evidence.

SmackDown #2

The next week, JBL announces that there is a warrant for the arrest of...his very own Chief Of Staff (well, ex-Chief Of Staff, now) Orlando Jordan. Jordan seeks out the only man who can be of any assistance to him, Booker T, who drives him out of the arena in a white Bronco.

SmackDown #3

One week after Jordan's disappearance, with the help of Booker T, he turns himself into the authorities.

SmackDown #4

It is determined that Kenzo Suzuki will preside over the court and a jury of 12 Velocity wrestlers (Akio, Bill DeMott, Billy Kidman, Chavo Guerrero, Funaki, Hardcore Holly, Josh Mathews, Nunzio, Paul London, Scotty 2 Hotty, Shannon Moore, and Spike Dudley) will decide the case.

Later in the evening, JBL reveals his new Chief Of Staff - and the woman who will be prosecuting the case - Stephanie McMahon! What a swerve by JBL!

After hearing this news, SmackDown General Manager Theodore Long, steps forward and offers his services as a defense attorney to Orlando Jordan because he hates seein' a brother get held down by the white man!

No Way Out 2004

Orlando Jordan and Booker T win the Tag Titles from the Co-Secretaries of Defense (in JBL's "Cabinet" stable), the Basham Brothers. This serves as nothing more than typical wrestling booking, as it just sorta fits into the overall direction of things, and has no direct relation to the storyline at hand.

Theodore Long reveals that JBL planted evidence at the scene of the crime. This throws JBL, as well as the prosecution, for a loop and JBL winds up losing his WWE Title to the Big Show. This sets up Big Show versus Kurt Angle for WrestleMania 21, which is worlds better than Kurt Angle versus the UnderTaker.

SmackDown #5

In response to the "planted evidence" accusations, Stephanie McMahon decides it's time to move in for the kill...they demand that Orlando Jordan try on the wrestling trunks found at the scene of the crime!

SmackDown ends with a Theodore Long filibuster interview, until Suzuki declares recess for the week. Ha! Suspense!

SmackDown #6

Orlando Jordan is forced to put the wrestling trunks on, which are far too small...as we see why we stereotype black men as having big penises. Little OJ pokes himself out a little too much and the FCC cancels the rest of this evening's SmackDown.

SmackDown #7

SmackDown is back this week, where we get the testimonies of Charlie Haas (who adds nothing to the trial, as he seems to be stoned beyond belief, as the WWE tries their hand at a pothead gimmick), Booker T (who doesn't have much to say other than it's his fifth time, fifth time, fifth time, fifth time, fifth time being in court, but only the first time not as a defendant), and JBL (who pleads the fifth). Next week, we'll hear the jury's decision!

SmackDown #8

The jury of 12 Velocity wrestlers get a taste of the SmackDown limelight, as they actually are the "main event" of the program! Michael Cole and Tazz even oversell them! Seriously! As the night goes on, we do things Big Brother-style, as the jurors cast their votes via a reality TV confessional booth.

Then, at the end of the show, the jury surrounds the ring as Spike Dudley (hey, he's "Da Boss," of course he's gonna be the jury foreman!) reads off the verdict...

We, the jury of useless Velocity wrestlers, find Orlando Jordan NOT GUILTY on both accounts of murder in the first degree.

Celebration all around, as Haas lights up...Jordan, Booker T, and Long all breathe a sigh of relief and congratulate one another, as JBL and Stephanie argue with one another. Total heel moment on their side of the courtroom, the whole arguing bit.

Kenzo Suzuki closes the show by singing "She Bangs!" to Stephanie McMahon.

WrestleMania 21

In Main Event #1 (of 12 main events), Stephanie McMahon teams with Kenzo Suzuki (who is the newest member of the "Cabinet" as a foreign ambassador) to battle Theodore Long and Booker T in a Mixed Tag Match, with Charlie Haas as the Special Guest Referee.

Then, in Main Event #4, JBL takes on former Chief Of Staff, Orlando Jordan, in a Lumberjack Match. The 12 Velocity jurors serve as the lumberjacks.

In an ungodly long match, because Haas refused to count past 2 (he found humor in the crowd's repeated "TWOOOOOOOO!" chants), Kenzo Suzuki used the flag pole of the America flag he brought to ringside, to blast Booker T and Theodore Long in the face and drag Stephanie McMahon on top of Booker T for the victory.

In the other match, we saw a Velocity rebellion led by Shannon Moore, as they ousted Hardcore Holly from their ranks (because nobody likes an asshole!), replacing him with Rene Dupree, and then cost JBL the match, giving Orlando Jordan the biggest victory of his career!

And they lived happily ever after...except Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later.

Kyle: CARTMAN!!

In Order of Appearance:
Rico as "Ron the Butt Pirate"
Charlie Haas as "Kato Kaelin, the Useless Stoner"
Orlando Jordan as "OJ"
Miss Jackie as "Nicole"
John "Bradshaw" Layfield as "Mark Fuhrman the Mein Fuhrer"
Booker T as "AC Cowlings"
Kenzo Suzuki as "Judge Lance Ito"
The Velocity Roster as "The Jury"
Stephanie McMahon as "Marcia Clark"
Theodore Long as "Johnnie Cochran"
The rest of the names blue and bold weren't really important to the story...so who cares?

*It must be noted that this is not a seriously written storyline, nor do I really think it'd save SmackDown. It's humor. Parody. And if you don't find it funny, I don't care, this is my blog and I never asked you to read it. So if you are offended by the material presented in this entry, I'll have to ask you to leave my little corner of the Internet.

Ya know...

I really wish I had more interesting things to post about. Especially the past week or so, I've had this huge hankerin' to blog and I'm just dry on material (as if I were ever "wet"...ha!). I don't do anything. I don't ever feel creative enough to write up a quick story or anything. I don't socialize enough to know a bunch of random quirky people to write about.

Jeff will be home this Saturday until the 28th. I'm ecstatic, of course, and I hope we get to spend plenty of time together but he'll have quite a few people to check, especially during the holidays. Jen's family...his sisters, I believe, will be here at some point...my family...and his dad (of course, on the bright side, since Tim's living here, that sorta cancels out any and all trips out to Grimes in order to see him; the more Jeff here, the better ;-)).

Today was the last day of the fall semester for me. I woke up at 6:30AM, ate breakfast, lounged until 7AM, then started getting ready. I left at 7:30AM and was at school for crew call at 8AM.

See, we've got crew call an hour before the taping, so we can set up the studio and prepare. We gotta make sure the basketball highlights are available and not pure shit, we gotta get the host on the right track, we gotta set up the cameras, etc. Alotta work goes into TV shows, damnit, you people should know this!

So we were all set up and ready to roll at like 8:45AM and the host didn't roll in until about 9:05AM and after another 15 or 20 minutes...we still didn't have the girls' basketball team coach. Which is, well, very important seeing as how...well, it's her show! So Sandy, the producer, got ahold of her or one of her "people"...and she had completely forgot about the show this morning and she had a meeting at 10AM. So we were, for the moment, completely fucked.

We watched the one (and so far only) completed corporate video project and talked about it briefly...then I came home for about an hour, chilled, and then went back to school so we could do the show at 12:30PM. Everyone showed up, we were all set, and we shot. Turned out pretty decent.

One of the coach's shows from this season will eventually be submitted to the Student Emmys which, even if I'm just a camera operator, is exciting. The way our professor hypes us up as a class makes me think we'd have a pretty good chance at winning one and - again, even as a camera operator (well, then again, I'll be doing TelePrompTer and Assistant Audio next semester) - it'd be cool to be able to say I was a part of it.

So things went well and I was outta there by...I dunno, 2PM, I guess. And then I've just been sitting on my ass...I'm ready to enjoy my winter break, even though it'll consist of me doing absolutely nothing but sitting on my ass. And sleeping. Lots of that.

I wish I could go see Motley Crue in March... =o\ That would've been extremely cool, but it seems destined to not happen.

I'm hungry and there's absolutely nothing in the house to eat. My mom was gonna go to the store Monday night...didn't go. I don't remember what we ate for dinner, either, but something...obviously. She was gonna go on Tuesday, and didn't. I had to get some lunch from Wal-Mart and then for dinner, she made spaghetti cuz we had stuff for that. Then she was gonna go tonight, but didn't, and we had McDonald's. I hope she goes tomorrow night because 1) I only have one can of Mountain Dew left and 2) well, I'm hungry, and I need food! I'm turning into a fat ass.

I find it interesting that in a recent debate I've been semi-engaged in...it seems to be brought to everyone's attention how we're all born sinners and the only way into Heaven is to choose (which is a conscious act, not something that can just sorta "happen" on its own) Jesus Christ and follow him, etc., or whatever.

On the same note, though, when asked about babies/infants/toddlers that die - when they're too young to even comprehend concepts of life, death, afterlife, saviors, or religion - they automatically go to Heaven because "they do not know right from wrong" and are "innocent."

Soo...babies are "innocent sinners?" Sinnocent, perhaps?

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what is called a "flaw in logic." But then again...religion and logic don't belong anywhere near one another... =o(

I love being right, though. The argument on their side, of course, is circular...I can ask about babies all day long and they'll tell me they're innocent...but I, as a grown man (well, sorta, lol), am a sinner because I was born that way.

I dunno...I guess "baby" precedes "birth" on a Christian timeline.

Cartman: DURRRRRRRRR!

Anyway, I think I'm gonna wrap this up. IMO, it was a semi-interesting entry...so let's try not to kill it by dragging it out too long.

PeaZeaBia!

(That's Wigger for "peace, bitch!")

Bored & Tired

20 years ago, i . . .
1. was 19 months old.
2. was celebrating my first Christmas.
3. had already been to Vegas once.

15 years ago, i . . .
1. was 6 years old.
2. enjoyed life more than ever.
3. was unaware of how fucked up the world is.

10 years ago, i . . .
1. was 11 years old.
2. spent the entire summer causing trouble with my cousin, Jeff (I believe that was 1994).
3. most likely was starting to learn that I hated people, my dad in particular, and that the world was a fucked up place.

5 years ago, i . . .
1. was 16 years old.
2. had just "recovered" from one of the darkest periods in my life where I was alone and friendless; things changed, though, about 5 years ago and I began to enjoy life again.
3. finally saw my mom get rid of my dad.

3 years ago, i . . .
1. was 18 years old.
2. completed my first semester at college.
3. was probably desperately looking for love (which I still am).

1 year ago, i . . .
1. was 20 years old. Ha.
2. was in the midst of - even if it's dumb, immature, and amateur work - getting this little variety show (The Orange Hour) off the ground.
3. went to New York City, during that damned blackout (which makes for a great story), and had an "e-girlfriend" that lived a matter of hours from NYC but was (and probably still is) a freaking psycho and I regret being so stupid as to think we'd "make it." Yeah, lame.

so far this year, i . . .
1. been to Washington, D.C.
2. finally let go of my cousin, as he got married and joined the Navy.
3. have gained the fourth "roommate" (of sorts) since living in this house: Jeff lived here for a couple years; Thundercunt Megan stayed here occasionally and at least a full week at one point; Frankie basically lives here whenever he needs a place; and now my uncle Tim is livin' here.

yesterday, i . . .
1. had lunch with Frankie at Culver's.
2. had ice cream with Jen.
3. got very, very close to finishing The Orange Hour: Episode V and the first season of the show... =o)

today, i . . .
1. went to school and sat for 20 minutes, then realized the rest of my group wasn't showing up, and therefore left.
2. had dinner and saw Blade: Trinity with Tim and Jen.
3. got a new asshole ripped by my mom, via my brother, over going to dinner without asking them if they wanted anything to eat.

tomorrow, i . . .
1. will sleep in, hopefully.
2. will study for my Critical Theory final exam.
3. might go aXeMas shopping with Tim and Jen.