The History of the [cult] Cup UPDATED 8.22.09!
[cult] Weekly
Issue #2
The History of the [cult] Cup
by Guy Mockery
Air Hockey
In the summer of 2007, amidst [cult] leader Jason Coellner's 68 day straight streak of working his two part time jobs, a road trip known as St. Louis Shenanigans was born and came to fruition the weekend of July 6th, 7th, and 8th.
While in St. Louis, the [cult] developed an amorous relationship with the game known as air hockey, playing several warmup rounds Friday evening at Dave & Buster's. The championship would be decided Sunday afternoon at the local YMCA, home of the now-shattered former former personal trainer, Greg Jovi.
In a gauntlet-style tournament, Coellner took to an early winning streak, nearly running the table and closing up shop as the first Grand Poopah of [cult] Air Hockey, the precursor championship to the [cult] Cup.
It wasn't meant to be, however, as Vegas favorite, Walt Florio, smoked Coellner on the (plastic) ice. Florio then downed the rest of the competition in successive fashion, claiming the inaugural championship of [cult] sporting events. He was awarded with a blue sheet of construction paper that read:
Air Hockey
Grand Master
The Great Walt
FUAAAH!
Grand Master
The Great Walt
FUAAAH!
"Nice trophy."
[cult] Air Hockey League, July 2007.
Eventual Grand Poopah, Walt Florio.
During the air hockey offseason, which takes place sometime between July and December, the brothers Coellner (Jason and Scott) held the Chi-nanigans! training camp at the ESPNZone in Chicago, Illinois, with fellow [cult] members Patrick McGee and Greg Jovi.
Coellner, Jason seemed to have returned to form, defeating all three of his fellow competitors at least once, and only losing one battle overall.
Jason Coellner with his game face on.
But he was still seeking redemption against reigning Grand Poopah, Florio. Redemption he is still seeking today.
In the second season of air hockey, a tournament was held in conjunction with the [cult]'s First Annual New Year's Extravaganza at the MP Mansion, a location since stricken from the [cult] record books.
Due to an unfortunate combination of circumstances, Florio would be unable to defend the championship, opening the door for Greg Jovi to claim the Poopahcy.
Controversy was abound, however. Jovi was unable to claim his prize, a small silver trophy (what would come to be the physical entity known now - but not then - as the [cult] Cup). Jason Coellner was angry over not capturing the Cup, leading him to steal the trophy.
The stolen [cult] Cup.
With a missing trophy, as well as Florio's inability to defend his championship, the [cult] could only name Jovi the interim Grand Poopah of [cult] Air Hockey.
Also during the [cult]'s First Annual New Year's Extravaganza, it was the first time they attempted to venture away from the (plastic) ice, into other obscure sports. Three-way EXTREME ping pong proved to be too dangerous, while Team High Five dominated the SceneIt scene so hardcore that the game was never played again.
Miniature Golf
The golden age of [cult] lore was the year 2008, and the America: Fuck Yeah! festivities kicked off in Orlando, Florida in late March. The [cult] had decided to move on from air hockey, and the next sport of choice was determined to be miniature golf aka mini-golf aka putt-putt.
With a field six deep, the [cult] played the first [cult] Invitational, on the treacherous Congo River course, an 18-hole, 46-par course littered with sand traps, water hazards, airplanes, and strange natives. Through the front nine, as in competitions past, it was a dead heat between Walt Florio and Jason Coellner.
Florio - under the guise of Paco Guerrero Woods IV - pulled away on the back nine, finishing with a 45 (-1), to claim his second [cult] Cup, along with the mythical green jacket. Coellner tried to keep pace, finishing with a 53 (+7).
The rest of the scorecard was Frankie Montenguise shooting a 57 (+11), Patrick McGee with a 59 (+13), Scott Coellner at 63 (+17), and the interim [cult] Cup champion, Greg Jovi, lost his championship status with a 65 (+19).
Walt Florio, putting on 18.
Also attempted while in Orlando, Florida was the sport of kings, the stick'n'ball'n'wall game known worldwide as jai-alai. After about 35 minutes of laughing at the absurdity of the game, the [cult] moved onto a real sport...
Football
In the shadows of the Downtown Recreational Complex, with seven players (Soneel Shafi was finally drafted into the [cult] Obscure Sports League), the [cult] setup teams.
Jason Coellner, Greg Jovi, and Frankie Montenguise comprised one team, one year before they would come together again as Team Blue.
Soneel Shafi, Scott Coellner, and Patrick McGee comprised the other team. Walt Florio played all-time quarterback.
The [cult] initiated a two-hand touch rule for tackling, and a four-and-out rule for offense. Score in four downs or lose possession.
Team Not-Blue-Yet won the coin toss and opted to start on offense. Two passing plays yielded no results, so on third down, Florio handed off to Montenguise, with Jovi and Coellner blocking.
Montenguise would cut the distance to the goal in half by tiptoeing down the sideline. It would, however, be the only offensive gain in [cult]Bowl 1 history. Patrick McGee was credited with the tackle, getting both hands on Montenguise's back, but McGee fell victim to the curb serving as the [cult]'s sideline.
After an injury timeout, and the first and only death in [cult] Obscure Sports League history, the playing field was determined to be too dangerous to the teams. [cult]Bowl 1 was called off, due to injury, only three plays in. The 0-0 tie would remain etched in the record books for a little over one year.
Jason Coellner, Greg Jovi, and Frankie Montenguise comprised one team, one year before they would come together again as Team Blue.
Soneel Shafi, Scott Coellner, and Patrick McGee comprised the other team. Walt Florio played all-time quarterback.
The [cult] initiated a two-hand touch rule for tackling, and a four-and-out rule for offense. Score in four downs or lose possession.
Team Not-Blue-Yet won the coin toss and opted to start on offense. Two passing plays yielded no results, so on third down, Florio handed off to Montenguise, with Jovi and Coellner blocking.
Montenguise would cut the distance to the goal in half by tiptoeing down the sideline. It would, however, be the only offensive gain in [cult]Bowl 1 history. Patrick McGee was credited with the tackle, getting both hands on Montenguise's back, but McGee fell victim to the curb serving as the [cult]'s sideline.
After an injury timeout, and the first and only death in [cult] Obscure Sports League history, the playing field was determined to be too dangerous to the teams. [cult]Bowl 1 was called off, due to injury, only three plays in. The 0-0 tie would remain etched in the record books for a little over one year.
Other Sports (Including a Return to Air Hockey and Mini-Golf)
The [cult] is constantly on the lookout for new and exciting games to incorporate into the [cult] Obscure Sports League. While on yet another Chicago excursion, they came across a ghastly creation, that could've only come from the child-like mind of Vince Russo:
WHIIIIIIIIIIIIRLYBALL!
WHIIIIIIIIIIIRLYBALL! Stadium.
After some curious interest into the world of WHIIIIIIIIIIRLYBALL!, the [cult] learned that there was rule on file, banning competitors with the little known Uncontrollable Laughter Condition. WHIIIIIIIIIIIRLYBALL! was no longer a viable option.
Bowling, however, was. It was a hotly contested game between Greg Jovi and Jason Coellner, with
Greg Jovi is the first, and so far only, [cult] Cup Kingpin.
Jason Coellner. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Greg "Kingpin" Jovi.
Mini-golf made a return, of the glow-in-the-dark variety, as Walt Florio put on another showcase, traversing the glowing prehistoric course with ease and grace. Florio would win his second [cult] Invitational, keep his mythical green jacket, and claim his third [cult] Cup championship.
Florio would continue to dominate every event he managed to compete in, as just three weeks later in St. Louis, the [cult] would hit the (plastic) ice for another gauntlet-style air hockey tournament. For the second time, in air hockey competition alone, Florio would be named the Grand Poopah of [cult] Air Hockey; Florio's fourth overall championship.
However, in December, Florio would be unable to join the [cult] in Nashville, Tennessee and the Poopahcy was claimed by a newcomer to the [cult] Obscure Sports League: Nathan Elliott. It would be Elliott's first, and to date only, [cult] Cup reign.
Several different players would achieve victory during the course of the competition, but one man stood head and shoulders above the rest. Jason Coellner finally succeeded in capturing [cult] Cup glory, after using Randy Orton to "break the game" in several rounds of play, before setting a record time of one minute, twelve seconds.
A couple of weeks later, Patclone would demolish that record in 33 seconds, with use of John Cena. It was, however, not a [cult]-sanctioned tournament event.
[cult]Bowl 1.5
That would bring the [cult] to April 2009, and Galveston, TX. One year after the 0-0 tie in [cult]Bowl 1, the teams would clash on the grid iron for [cult]Bowl 1.5. Frankie Montenguise, Greg Jovi, and Jason Coellner would be brought back together by an UNO deck, now under the banner of Team Blue.
Walt Florio, Daniel Woodson, and Scott Coellner would come together as Team Yellow. The teams introduced more flags...and less curbs...in order to avoid anymore [cult]Bowl-related injuries and/or deaths. They also erected the Patrick McGee Memorial.
After three-plus hours of gruelling play, Team Yellow domination, a remarkable Team Blue comeback, and a hot finish...Team Yellow would capture the [cult] Cup, 59-52, with Walt Florio taking Most Valuable Player honors.
[cult]Bowl 1.5 competitors.
The rematch is imminent. (We hope.) In just a matter of days, [cult]Bowl 2 will take place under the hot sun of St. Louis, Missouri. The offseason has brought about some changes, but the current lineups seem to be as such:
For Team Blue, Frankie Montenguise is serving a one-game suspension, forced to endure the w00t w00t's and Faygo Bombs of the 10th annual Gathering of the Juggalos.
Greg Jovi and Jason Coellner have dug deep into their bag of tricks, recruiting Nathan Elliott, to join their squad. But will Elliott accept their offer?
Daniel Woodson and Scott Coellner are set to return for Team Yellow. MVP Walt Florio, however, is questionable, and will be a gametime decision. If Florio cannot play, can Team Yellow find a replacement?
Both teams are consulting their [cult] Obscure Sports League rulebooks to check the legality of robots participating. If allowed, would Patclone play for champions Team Yellow? Or would Patclone be able to put Team Blue over the hump?
All this and more, to be answered, next week!
Shortly after the publication of my [cult] Weekly article on the history of the prestigious [cult] Cup, I was contacted by the [cult] Obscure Sports League, as they asked me to post a clarification.
Apparently, the [cult] does not keep track of their own championship history. They were appreciative of my work (as appreciative as heels can get...jackasses), but upon review, felt there was one glaring inconsistency: according to [cult] Obscure Sports League bylaws (they can't maintain their own championship history, but they've somehow established bylaws...), Jason Coellner could not claim a [cult] Cup for his SmackDown vs. RAW "Beat the Clock" victory, due to the "game-breaking glitch" he caused via Randy Orton's death punt.
Despite my argument that his record-setting time of one minute, twelve seconds came during a glitch-free round, league officials stated that the glitch caused an uneven playing field inconsistent with the league's expectations of play.
I contacted Mr. Coellner to get his reaction to the news, here's how the conversation played out, via ..
No1NewsGuy: Mr. Coellner, Guy Mockery of OrangeSpace News and [cult] Weekly. I was curious to hear your thoughts on being stripped of your one and only [cult] Cup championship?
Dgener8puf: I won a championship?
No1NewsGuy: Yes. You won the "Beat the Clock" championship during the [cult]'s Second Annual New Year's Extravaganza.
Dgener8puf: Sweet!
No1NewsGuy: I reported it in a recently issue of [cult] Weekly.
Dgener8puf: Huh. I thought that magazine bit the dust after one issue.
No1NewsGuy: Anyway...after my article was published, the [cult] Obscure Sports League reviewed league bylaws and - citing the "game-breaking glitch" you caused - rescinded your championship status.
Dgener8puf: They took away a championship I just now found out I won?!
No1NewsGuy: Yes.
Dgener8puf: ...
Dgener8puf: Fuck me!
No1NewsGuy: Does this affect how you prepare for future events?
Dgener8puf: If there ever IS any future events! This fucking league has coddled Walt since the beginning!
No1NewsGuy: Whoa...care to expand on what you mean by that?
Dgener8puf: If my memory serves, the only time a champion other than Walt's been crowned has been when Walt was home, sick...or when Walt decided to take his ball and go home...I mean, seriously? Walt Florio Disease? WHO HAS THAT?!
No1NewsGuy: ...you can't be serious.
Dgener8puf: I'm as serious as his supposed condition! We were supposed to play [cult]Bowl 2 a couple of weeks ago, did that happen? NO. Know why? Walt Florio. We apparently can't play football, unless the football guru is present.
Dgener8puf: Fuck!
Dgener8puf: Walt was there when I won "Beat the Clock." He finally lost!
Dgener8puf: I wouldn't be surprised if he was behind this...
No1NewsGuy: That's a pretty serious accusation.
Dgener8puf: I don't give a fuck, Guy.
Dgener8puf: Here's an idea, I've got a proposition for Mr. MVP...will you make sure he gets this message?
No1NewsGuy: Certainly.
Dgener8puf: December 31st, 2009. The [cult]'s Third Annual New Year's Extravaganza. Right here in Des Moines, Iowa because I have to work...I am opening up my home for this year's Extravaganza. And this time there won't be any video games and "glitches."
Dgener8puf: I don't care if there's six inches of snow on the ground or 20 below zero wind chills...
Dgener8puf: I've talked with Jovi, and I'll get in touch with Frankie and Nathan. You tell Walt to gather up Daniel and my brother. And ya know what?
Dgener8puf: They can have the fucking robot, Patclone is all theirs.
Dgener8puf: Four-on-four, [cult]Bowl 2 gets played. Rain, shine, sleet, snow. Colds, the flu, Walt Florio Disease...let's just lay it all out on the line and play the game that should've been played two weeks ago in St. Louis.
No1NewsGuy: Wow! You're challenging Team Yellow to a rematch?
Dgener8puf: Team Blue vs. Team Yellow. [cult]Bowl 2. Let's do this.
No1NewsGuy: That's huge news! You're not worried about a repeat performance after [cult]Bowl 1.5?
Dgener8puf: No. Team Yellow might as well have been Walt and a couple of palm trees. Team Blue put the "team" in...well..."Team Blue." We've got the chemistry, we've got the heart, and we'll eventually figure out the talent. Watch the second half of 1.5...Frankie, Greg, and myself killed it. Killed it! Walt made two good plays...right place, right time. Scott was non-existent and Dan spent too much time face down in the dirt.
No1NewsGuy: ...I think you might be making several enemies right now, Mr. Coellner.
Dgener8puf: I don't give a fuck. Publish the damn conversation, I want Team Yellow to know that I think they're yellow. Fuckin' cowards. Paper champions, that's what they are!
No1NewsGuy: Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Coellner. Good luck in [cult]Bowl 2.
Dgener8puf: If it ever fucking happens...
Dgener8puf signed off.
There you have it. My verbatim conversation with Jason Coellner, uncensored and uncut. The man is foaming at the mouth to capture hissecond first [cult] Cup, and he hopes to accomplish it during the [cult]'s Third Annual New Year's Extravaganza.
I have yet to hear from [cult] Obscure Sports League officials, Team Yellow players, and especially Walt Florio at the time this clarification was posted.
Walt Florio, Daniel Woodson, and Scott Coellner would come together as Team Yellow. The teams introduced more flags...and less curbs...in order to avoid anymore [cult]Bowl-related injuries and/or deaths. They also erected the Patrick McGee Memorial.
After three-plus hours of gruelling play, Team Yellow domination, a remarkable Team Blue comeback, and a hot finish...Team Yellow would capture the [cult] Cup, 59-52, with Walt Florio taking Most Valuable Player honors.
[cult]Bowl 1.5 competitors.
The rematch is imminent. (We hope.) In just a matter of days, [cult]Bowl 2 will take place under the hot sun of St. Louis, Missouri. The offseason has brought about some changes, but the current lineups seem to be as such:
For Team Blue, Frankie Montenguise is serving a one-game suspension, forced to endure the w00t w00t's and Faygo Bombs of the 10th annual Gathering of the Juggalos.
Greg Jovi and Jason Coellner have dug deep into their bag of tricks, recruiting Nathan Elliott, to join their squad. But will Elliott accept their offer?
Daniel Woodson and Scott Coellner are set to return for Team Yellow. MVP Walt Florio, however, is questionable, and will be a gametime decision. If Florio cannot play, can Team Yellow find a replacement?
Both teams are consulting their [cult] Obscure Sports League rulebooks to check the legality of robots participating. If allowed, would Patclone play for champions Team Yellow? Or would Patclone be able to put Team Blue over the hump?
All this and more, to be answered, next week!
UPDATED 8.22.09!
Shortly after the publication of my [cult] Weekly article on the history of the prestigious [cult] Cup, I was contacted by the [cult] Obscure Sports League, as they asked me to post a clarification.
Apparently, the [cult] does not keep track of their own championship history. They were appreciative of my work (as appreciative as heels can get...jackasses), but upon review, felt there was one glaring inconsistency: according to [cult] Obscure Sports League bylaws (they can't maintain their own championship history, but they've somehow established bylaws...), Jason Coellner could not claim a [cult] Cup for his SmackDown vs. RAW "Beat the Clock" victory, due to the "game-breaking glitch" he caused via Randy Orton's death punt.
Despite my argument that his record-setting time of one minute, twelve seconds came during a glitch-free round, league officials stated that the glitch caused an uneven playing field inconsistent with the league's expectations of play.
I contacted Mr. Coellner to get his reaction to the news, here's how the conversation played out, via ..
No1NewsGuy: Mr. Coellner, Guy Mockery of OrangeSpace News and [cult] Weekly. I was curious to hear your thoughts on being stripped of your one and only [cult] Cup championship?
Dgener8puf: I won a championship?
No1NewsGuy: Yes. You won the "Beat the Clock" championship during the [cult]'s Second Annual New Year's Extravaganza.
Dgener8puf: Sweet!
No1NewsGuy: I reported it in a recently issue of [cult] Weekly.
Dgener8puf: Huh. I thought that magazine bit the dust after one issue.
No1NewsGuy: Anyway...after my article was published, the [cult] Obscure Sports League reviewed league bylaws and - citing the "game-breaking glitch" you caused - rescinded your championship status.
Dgener8puf: They took away a championship I just now found out I won?!
No1NewsGuy: Yes.
Dgener8puf: ...
Dgener8puf: Fuck me!
No1NewsGuy: Does this affect how you prepare for future events?
Dgener8puf: If there ever IS any future events! This fucking league has coddled Walt since the beginning!
No1NewsGuy: Whoa...care to expand on what you mean by that?
Dgener8puf: If my memory serves, the only time a champion other than Walt's been crowned has been when Walt was home, sick...or when Walt decided to take his ball and go home...I mean, seriously? Walt Florio Disease? WHO HAS THAT?!
No1NewsGuy: ...you can't be serious.
Dgener8puf: I'm as serious as his supposed condition! We were supposed to play [cult]Bowl 2 a couple of weeks ago, did that happen? NO. Know why? Walt Florio. We apparently can't play football, unless the football guru is present.
Dgener8puf: Fuck!
Dgener8puf: Walt was there when I won "Beat the Clock." He finally lost!
Dgener8puf: I wouldn't be surprised if he was behind this...
No1NewsGuy: That's a pretty serious accusation.
Dgener8puf: I don't give a fuck, Guy.
Dgener8puf: Here's an idea, I've got a proposition for Mr. MVP...will you make sure he gets this message?
No1NewsGuy: Certainly.
Dgener8puf: December 31st, 2009. The [cult]'s Third Annual New Year's Extravaganza. Right here in Des Moines, Iowa because I have to work...I am opening up my home for this year's Extravaganza. And this time there won't be any video games and "glitches."
Dgener8puf: I don't care if there's six inches of snow on the ground or 20 below zero wind chills...
Dgener8puf: I've talked with Jovi, and I'll get in touch with Frankie and Nathan. You tell Walt to gather up Daniel and my brother. And ya know what?
Dgener8puf: They can have the fucking robot, Patclone is all theirs.
Dgener8puf: Four-on-four, [cult]Bowl 2 gets played. Rain, shine, sleet, snow. Colds, the flu, Walt Florio Disease...let's just lay it all out on the line and play the game that should've been played two weeks ago in St. Louis.
No1NewsGuy: Wow! You're challenging Team Yellow to a rematch?
Dgener8puf: Team Blue vs. Team Yellow. [cult]Bowl 2. Let's do this.
No1NewsGuy: That's huge news! You're not worried about a repeat performance after [cult]Bowl 1.5?
Dgener8puf: No. Team Yellow might as well have been Walt and a couple of palm trees. Team Blue put the "team" in...well..."Team Blue." We've got the chemistry, we've got the heart, and we'll eventually figure out the talent. Watch the second half of 1.5...Frankie, Greg, and myself killed it. Killed it! Walt made two good plays...right place, right time. Scott was non-existent and Dan spent too much time face down in the dirt.
No1NewsGuy: ...I think you might be making several enemies right now, Mr. Coellner.
Dgener8puf: I don't give a fuck. Publish the damn conversation, I want Team Yellow to know that I think they're yellow. Fuckin' cowards. Paper champions, that's what they are!
No1NewsGuy: Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Coellner. Good luck in [cult]Bowl 2.
Dgener8puf: If it ever fucking happens...
Dgener8puf signed off.
There you have it. My verbatim conversation with Jason Coellner, uncensored and uncut. The man is foaming at the mouth to capture his
I have yet to hear from [cult] Obscure Sports League officials, Team Yellow players, and especially Walt Florio at the time this clarification was posted.
UPDATED 8.22.09, 11:30am!
[cult]Bowl 1.5 Most Valuable Player, Walt Florio sent me an email this morning, and had the following to say:
"Mr. Coellner should feel lucky I was too sick to attend some of the Cups or he would have 0 cups.... Wait he still has 0 cups even with me missing half the events. The only thing he, or anyone else for that matter, beat me in was a video game which is fantasy. Not even a real sport. That is fitting because he is dealing with fantasy if he thinks he can beat Team Yellow in CultBowl 2. He better hope I am sick when I play because if I smoke them all while I am sick I will beat them with one hand tied behind my back while shooting the air hockey pucks, golf balls, or footballs out my ass if I am ever healthy when we play!"
[cult] Cup History
1. Walt Florio - Grand Poopah of [cult] Air Hockey, July 8, 2007
2. Greg Jovi - interim Grand Poopah of [cult] Air Hockey, December 31, 2007
3. Walt Florio (2) - [cult] Invitational Green Jacket, March 27, 2008
4. Greg Jovi (2) - [cult] Cup Kingpin, April 19, 2008
5. Walt Florio (3) - [cult] Invitational Green Jacket, June 22, 2008
6. Walt Florio (4) - Grand Poopah of [cult] Air Hockey, July 21, 2008
7. Nathan Elliott - Grand Poopah of [cult] Air Hockey, December 6, 2008
9. Team Yellow [Walt Florio (5), Daniel Woodson, and Scott Coellner] - [cult] Cup, March 30, 2009
posted by Jason at 2:42 AM
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