The storyline that'll save SmackDown...

You Must Admit, The WWE Is Legit...OJ Simpson: The Retake

Royal Rumble 2004

After being re-signed to the company, Rico makes a strong showing in the Rumble, eliminating former partner Charlie Haas. However, Haas ultimately costs Rico the match, causing his elimination.

Later that evening, Haas is seen conversing with Orlando Jordan of "The Cabinet"...about what, we don't know.

SmackDown #1

The following week on SmackDown, Rico is seen rekindling his friendship with Miss Jackie and Haas goes psychoboy, dragging Miss Jackie out of there. Later on, during Charlie's match, he tells Miss Jackie to stay put in their lockerroom...during the match, we cut backstage to find Rico entering the lockerroom.

Post-match, Haas returns to his lockerroom to find both Miss Jackie and Rico murdered in cold blood. He is extremely upset and disturbed and calls the authorities: John "Bradshaw" Layfield arrives on the scene and begins searching for evidence.

SmackDown #2

The next week, JBL announces that there is a warrant for the arrest of...his very own Chief Of Staff (well, ex-Chief Of Staff, now) Orlando Jordan. Jordan seeks out the only man who can be of any assistance to him, Booker T, who drives him out of the arena in a white Bronco.

SmackDown #3

One week after Jordan's disappearance, with the help of Booker T, he turns himself into the authorities.

SmackDown #4

It is determined that Kenzo Suzuki will preside over the court and a jury of 12 Velocity wrestlers (Akio, Bill DeMott, Billy Kidman, Chavo Guerrero, Funaki, Hardcore Holly, Josh Mathews, Nunzio, Paul London, Scotty 2 Hotty, Shannon Moore, and Spike Dudley) will decide the case.

Later in the evening, JBL reveals his new Chief Of Staff - and the woman who will be prosecuting the case - Stephanie McMahon! What a swerve by JBL!

After hearing this news, SmackDown General Manager Theodore Long, steps forward and offers his services as a defense attorney to Orlando Jordan because he hates seein' a brother get held down by the white man!

No Way Out 2004

Orlando Jordan and Booker T win the Tag Titles from the Co-Secretaries of Defense (in JBL's "Cabinet" stable), the Basham Brothers. This serves as nothing more than typical wrestling booking, as it just sorta fits into the overall direction of things, and has no direct relation to the storyline at hand.

Theodore Long reveals that JBL planted evidence at the scene of the crime. This throws JBL, as well as the prosecution, for a loop and JBL winds up losing his WWE Title to the Big Show. This sets up Big Show versus Kurt Angle for WrestleMania 21, which is worlds better than Kurt Angle versus the UnderTaker.

SmackDown #5

In response to the "planted evidence" accusations, Stephanie McMahon decides it's time to move in for the kill...they demand that Orlando Jordan try on the wrestling trunks found at the scene of the crime!

SmackDown ends with a Theodore Long filibuster interview, until Suzuki declares recess for the week. Ha! Suspense!

SmackDown #6

Orlando Jordan is forced to put the wrestling trunks on, which are far too small...as we see why we stereotype black men as having big penises. Little OJ pokes himself out a little too much and the FCC cancels the rest of this evening's SmackDown.

SmackDown #7

SmackDown is back this week, where we get the testimonies of Charlie Haas (who adds nothing to the trial, as he seems to be stoned beyond belief, as the WWE tries their hand at a pothead gimmick), Booker T (who doesn't have much to say other than it's his fifth time, fifth time, fifth time, fifth time, fifth time being in court, but only the first time not as a defendant), and JBL (who pleads the fifth). Next week, we'll hear the jury's decision!

SmackDown #8

The jury of 12 Velocity wrestlers get a taste of the SmackDown limelight, as they actually are the "main event" of the program! Michael Cole and Tazz even oversell them! Seriously! As the night goes on, we do things Big Brother-style, as the jurors cast their votes via a reality TV confessional booth.

Then, at the end of the show, the jury surrounds the ring as Spike Dudley (hey, he's "Da Boss," of course he's gonna be the jury foreman!) reads off the verdict...

We, the jury of useless Velocity wrestlers, find Orlando Jordan NOT GUILTY on both accounts of murder in the first degree.

Celebration all around, as Haas lights up...Jordan, Booker T, and Long all breathe a sigh of relief and congratulate one another, as JBL and Stephanie argue with one another. Total heel moment on their side of the courtroom, the whole arguing bit.

Kenzo Suzuki closes the show by singing "She Bangs!" to Stephanie McMahon.

WrestleMania 21

In Main Event #1 (of 12 main events), Stephanie McMahon teams with Kenzo Suzuki (who is the newest member of the "Cabinet" as a foreign ambassador) to battle Theodore Long and Booker T in a Mixed Tag Match, with Charlie Haas as the Special Guest Referee.

Then, in Main Event #4, JBL takes on former Chief Of Staff, Orlando Jordan, in a Lumberjack Match. The 12 Velocity jurors serve as the lumberjacks.

In an ungodly long match, because Haas refused to count past 2 (he found humor in the crowd's repeated "TWOOOOOOOO!" chants), Kenzo Suzuki used the flag pole of the America flag he brought to ringside, to blast Booker T and Theodore Long in the face and drag Stephanie McMahon on top of Booker T for the victory.

In the other match, we saw a Velocity rebellion led by Shannon Moore, as they ousted Hardcore Holly from their ranks (because nobody likes an asshole!), replacing him with Rene Dupree, and then cost JBL the match, giving Orlando Jordan the biggest victory of his career!

And they lived happily ever after...except Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later.

Kyle: CARTMAN!!

In Order of Appearance:
Rico as "Ron the Butt Pirate"
Charlie Haas as "Kato Kaelin, the Useless Stoner"
Orlando Jordan as "OJ"
Miss Jackie as "Nicole"
John "Bradshaw" Layfield as "Mark Fuhrman the Mein Fuhrer"
Booker T as "AC Cowlings"
Kenzo Suzuki as "Judge Lance Ito"
The Velocity Roster as "The Jury"
Stephanie McMahon as "Marcia Clark"
Theodore Long as "Johnnie Cochran"
The rest of the names blue and bold weren't really important to the story...so who cares?

*It must be noted that this is not a seriously written storyline, nor do I really think it'd save SmackDown. It's humor. Parody. And if you don't find it funny, I don't care, this is my blog and I never asked you to read it. So if you are offended by the material presented in this entry, I'll have to ask you to leave my little corner of the Internet.