Swing Life Away

I'm a flawed person. Unlike most people in society, I'm aware of my flawed nature and I feel as though I'm constantly working towards improving those flaws. Not "get rid of." Not "eliminate." Improving. The tingle of alcohol in the back of my throat will always be there; hatred will always be buried in my heart; and my ability to dance ALL over the line between "humor" and "jackassery" will constantly get me in trouble. But they're continually diminishing.

After all these years, I'm still horrible in social situations. And that's where my humor (aka my jackassery) tends to get me in trouble, in various ways. I've managed to make alot of friends, almost all of whom are totally cool with my smartass remarks. My horrible jokes. My definitely-in-bad-taste statements. My colorful language.

And I appreciate that. After all, that's who I am.

Sadly, I'm only now starting to learn that this type of behavior isn't exactly the best in professional situations. I'm sure this is a big part of why I was fired from the Science Center. I'll always stand by my statement that getting fired was the best thing to happen to me, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I was fired; and that it hurt.

That same type of behavior has gotten me in hot water a couple of times over the summer at one job, and now I think it's becoming an issue at my other place of employment. Guess I need to realize that these people are not my friends or acquaintances - they're just coworkers.

Another aspect of my jackassery is that it's my way of testing people. As I said, nearly all of my friends at least tolerate my assholish nature...most of them, I'd say, enjoy it. Possibly because they passed the "test" and have seen the other side of me. They've seen me in the depths of hell, they've seen me happy as pie; they know I'm intelligent, caring, deep...whatever. They know me.

Nobody else knows that, if they haven't passed the test. If they're put off by my shenanigans, then they are not worth my time. I figure it's pointless to open myself up to a person if they can't accept me at face value.

And I'm fine with that. I have no desire to change, really. Improve in social situations, in general? Sure, that'd be nice. But I'm still an asshole. Be able to separate leisure-me and professional-me? Would probably be key to making a career for myself.

This "jackassery test" has only recent been brought to my attention. I was totally called on it this weekend. It threw me for a loop, and once I was "outed" on it, I had no control over the conversation...which left me with little to say.

Any other time, or person, or place and perhaps I would've been annoyed. Nobody likes to be embarrassed, and that's essentially what happened. "Being a dick is your defense mechanism" kinda stings, ya know.

But I wasn't annoyed. I was uncomfortable, challenged, and vulnerable. I still suffered from being a bad conversationalist. The odd thing is that I enjoyed it.

Anyway, not entirely sure where I was going with this blog. Just have some things on my mind that I needed to get out. I'm flawed. As someone really old and probably dead once said, "Rome wasn't built in a day," so please know that working out personality kinks takes time.

I met a new person this weekend, and I'm interested in getting to know her. No idea where things will lead, but maybe that's what I need...someone to challenge me.

In closing, to those of you who have passed the test...thank you, and I hope I haven't ruffled too many of your feathers in the process. ;)

To those of you who failed? Too bad. I'm a pretty awesome friend, you're missing out.

swing.life.away
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