The Crush

It started out innocently enough. She was hot, absolutely gorgeous. She was, as I have now determined, my "type" (phyiscally): light skin and dark hair (NOT "pale skin and black hair," mind you) with a great body. To my knowledge, which is skewed because I tend to forget much of my own life, she's the third girl to fit into this "type" which is why I've determined it as such.

This is what happens every semester. The first couple of days of class, I check out the girls (I'm a guy, we all do this, right?), and basically I pick out the best-looking one of them all and she becomes the designated eye candy for the semester.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Well, I noticed this girl last fall, in one of my writing classes. She always participated in discussion, and all that, so in addition to being eye candy...I got to listen to her. And lemme tell you...this girl's got a damn sexy voice. So hey, I can't complain, enjoy her for the semester...and then go on with life, since I'll probably never come across her again.

I'm sure you're wondering why this isn't something I'd pursue, since I obviously sound interested in her...first and foremost, I'm shy and/or anti-social. Making conversation is the single most difficult thing you could ask me to do, outside of nuclear physics. And second of all, not only am I shy, but I'm extremely afraid of rejection.

At the rate I'm going, I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than take a risk that screams REJECTION! I've always been scared to ask girls out, even when it's a lock. Like, when you KNOW the girl likes you...and you KNOW she's going to say "yes"...and all you have to do is ASK THE DAMN QUESTION!

Even then, I'm nearly crippled in fear.

Enough of my personality traits, back to the girl. The semester ends, everybody goes on winter break, and I go on with life. The girl's not on my mind, I'm not beating myself up over not talking to her, nothing. She was just eye candy.

And then Fate (possibly) intervened.

Spring semester starts and we share another writing class, one night a week. This is a test I had yet to endure previously...none of these "eye candies" ever rolled over into the next semester, via another class. This would prove to be a true test of my will power...or stupidity. To make matters worse, two other students from the same writing class were also in this class, one of which was an acquaintance of mine (well, both are acquaintances...but only one is important to the story).

So we all settle into a seating arrangement, despite the fact there's no such thing as a seating arrangement in college. And I end up sitting next to my acquaintance...who has the girl sitting on the other side of him, because they're friends. So I'm like, less than seven feet away from this girl, every week, for an entire semester. And I can barely bring myself to ever say "Hi" to her.

Now, again, I know what you're thinking...Talk to your mutual friend about her, see if he can help hook a brotha up! Possibly possible in the land of possibilities. But no. See, at the time, I was getting the vibe that HE was diggin' her and just considering the fact they were friends, she could've felt the same. So I didn't wanna step on no toes, ya know?

Time goes on and the semester gets mid-way, or two-thirds, the way through...and we are assigned to new small groups. Oh yeah, you guessed it, the story gets juicier (I know, I know, cardboard isn't very juicy in the first place...but this is my story and I'll make it sound dramatic if I want, okay?).

We end up in the same small group.

Of course, here's the breakdown...it's me, the girl, another girl who had been in my LAST group, and then another acquaintance who I had three classes and a lab with that semester, so I saw alot of him. I could talk to the one girl, because I had interacted with her before, via the last group. I could talk to the guy, because we see each other all the time, and he had always been friendly to me...so no reason to be a quiet little dickhead, ya know?

Yet, I still can't hardly bring myself to say "Hi" to this...crush. Okay, there was one time I said something to her. It worked alright, but I had no follow-up, and nothing more was said. She walked in with a can of pop in each hand, like two different kinds, and I said "A little thirsty today?" or something like that. She said that she couldn't decide on which she wanted, so she bought both. And, yeah, like I said...no follow-up.

I wanna have your babies wasn't a suitable response and other than that, I was drawing a blank.

On the bright side, there was SOME interaction, mainly because of the small group...we had to discuss our short stories and such, so we were talking to one another, but we weren't "talking." Make sense? Probably not.

Somewhere along the line here, I learn that her and my acquaintance are definitely NOT diggin' each other...great, right? Wrong. I learn this, only because I learn she has a boyfriend. See? This is why I avoid chicks like her, because if I show an interest and be friendly and all...then hear this bombshell of "My boyfriend and I..." then I'm going to feel alot worse than I do now. So a major amount of pain had been averted...anyway.

Then she misses class one week, on the day we were supposed to give each other copies of our most recent drafts. So she eventually emails me her story, so I could read it before class...and thanks to AOL's cruel sense of humor, I managed to snag her screen name.

*GASP!*

If you don't know what I speak of, it's AOL 9.0's "auto-add" feature. You open an email of someone not on your Buddy List? It adds the name for you! Gee, thanks, assholes!

And here I sit. The semester has been over for a month, and I've had the screen name slightly longer than that. I toyed with the idea of IMing her soon after I got it, with the old "Who is this?" logic...then going from there. But I never got up the balls to do it and now that it's been longer than a month, I don't feel like that logic applies anymore.

Meanwhile, I feel like a stalker, because I can't push myself to DELETE her screen name either. I'm stuck in limbo. IM or delete? Make friends or move on?

Hell, to be honest, I don't even KNOW anything about her. She likes cats. And has a boyfriend. And, obviously, she writes. That's all I know. My initial impression was that she was a goodie-goodie, but after listening to her talk a little bit this past semester, she seems more like the out-going partier. Neither of which, of course, appeal to me.

Once again, stuck in limbo. Too nice for the naughty girls, too big of an asshole for the good girls.

In hindsight, which means the following drivel is useless...but in hindsight, I wouldn't even necessarily be in this situation, had I done something last summer. I could've easily spent more time with Jeff, as he went out into the world, and eventually found himself a wife. I could've spent the summer, hanging with my best friend in the world, and having a good time, and in the process maybe even meeting a girl...but I was stuck in a "death trap."

So desperate for love and attention from the opposite sex, I turned to one of my very good online friends, and had...

(Prepares himself for the onslaught of pointed fingers and laughter)

...an online relationship.

So I WASTED my summer, which turned out to be my LAST summer with my best fucking friend. And in hindsight, I feel like a total dipshit. For hundreds of reasons.

A full year later and I'm still stuck in a dead-end, only it's worse...the other end of the street is being closed for construction. Jeff is married, in the Navy, and living in Cali-fucking-fornia now. I'm proud of him, but God damnit...ya know? All my other friendships seem to be shells of their former selves. I don't see or hang out with Tim very often at all. Frankie always hangs out with Wendy when he's over here...so it's not like I see him at all. And now, well, I may not see him at all because chances are he'll never BE HERE anymore. Jessica doesn't talk to me anymore.

And I'm edging closer and closer towards "life" with absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

I'm scared. I feel like a (serious) girlfriend would make it less scary. But I can't find her...so I'm stuck cowering in the corner. Scared shitless.

Zug Izland - "U"